Praying (Anonymously?)

It happens every so often.  Some asks me to pray for them or with them, but they do not want to be added to the church prayer list, or for me to ask others to pray for them.  Sometimes the situation or condition is one that they feel, out of fear, shame or worry, prohibits publication.  Sometimes, they are just shy.  Sometimes it feels okay to ask a "professional" (which is a post for another day...) but not to bother others with it.  Often it is some combination.


I understand where this privacy comes from, having been one who for years was loathe to suggest weakness, illness or any other need publicly.  But in the trials and travails of dealing with infertility (see here for more), and in the joys and concerns of raising Lil Bit, we have been very public about asking for prayers. 


In doing so, I have discovered several things:


First, I still have trouble sometimes asking for prayers for me.  For the Mrs. or for Lil Bit, no trouble!  But for me...  I am still a work in progress.  


Next, I can see why people don't ask for prayers publicly.  There is a vulnerability to naming pain or weakness or worry or fear publicly.  Any worries we have about being judged tend to get exacerbated.  


But more importantly, there is a powerful support in knowing that others are thinking about me and praying for me. 


And when we calmly speak the truth about our difficulties, our pain, our wounds, our struggles, it allows others to speak the truth about theirs.  And when we all start speaking the truth, community with compassion starts to truly take root and grow.


I still pray with people who don't want it broadcast.  But I also ask if they are sure.

Online or Real Community

Okay. I admit. I am a stalker. Well, a cyber-stalker. Wait, this sounds so bad. Okay, I am reading a lot of what The Geek Preacher is writing. There, that sounds less likely to result in an interview before Church and Ministry.

He can be found at geekpreacher.com.

 What's not to like. A preacher who is a gamer, a Gen Con attendee, and he speaks geek. Gotta love it. And in his latest blog he quotes Spyder Robinson. Granted I haven't read Robinson since college, but it does bring back memories.

 You can find this blog entry here. The most important thing, however, is not the quote from Robinson, but the ideas that he gets to regarding online "Community." It is worth reading the geekpreacher's blog entry, plus the entry by his seminary professor which he quotes and ultimately refutes, found here.

Two relevant quotes from Dr. Thompson:

Real community is something that happens ‘in the flesh,’ and it involves complicated relationships that must be navigated with care, sensitivity, and ultimately love. Twitter doesn’t require any of this. Nor does Facebook. Nor does this website, for that matter. They’re all forms of so-called “social media,” but the form of sociality they allow is virtual. It is not embodied, and because of that it can never arise to anything other than the level of the thinly social from my point of view.

and

All that said, I’m giving it a shot (just as I gave blogging a shot, and Facebook a shot, etc.). It has its place, and it can be useful so long as we don’t kid ourselves into thinking that it can take the place of real, authentic forms of community.

The Geek Preacher's response is to say that part of what makes "virtual" community a real community is the realization that there is indeed a person there. He writes:

I have been building online relationships for roughly 15 or more years and I have seen it at its best as well as at its worst. The key to it all is knowing that the person on the other side of the screen is a real human being. You do need to have some type of contact and many people need an assurance that something genuine is occurring. This is why much of my life is lived online. This is also why I speak at conventions and make myself available wherever I go. I’m trying my best to live out the life of the Gospel but it is also important that people realize I am legit. Yeah, that’s the word…..legitimacy. This is what people are looking for in online relationships and, yes, online communities. (original author's emphasis)

Last year, when the Mrs. and I were at the hospital for Lil Bit's surgery, we stayed in touch with family and friends around the world via Facebook. The responses and "likes" that my posts received often resulted in tears, laughter or both. I knew the responders, I could picture them from previous meetings, I could hear their voices, and I could marvel at the level of connection that made itself known via typing on a phone from a waiting room at a large metropolitan hospital. Their care was real. Their prayers were felt. Their hugs, while virtual, offered solace. They just happened to not be in the room with us.

 If virtual community is all we have, then we miss some very important, embodied, incarnated, physical elements of our relationships. Virtual community often suffers from miscommunication caused by lack of tone of voice, body language, or other cues and clues. But virtual community has an important role to play in the various and strange ways that we relate to one another.

 As a soldier stationed around the world said in a recent NPR discussion said, "I don't know how my grandfather did it in World War 2. His letter home took six weeks, and the reply took six weeks. That's a month and a half to receive an answer to a question." He went on to describe Skyping when he got off duty to try and keep up with his wife and children.

 Virtual community does not solve the problems of community, and adds some complexity to it. But it is here, and it can be necessary. And in my experience, it was a net of care and compassion that helped me through some of the toughest days I have faced.

 As always, your mileage may vary.

Letting Out the String

Recently, I heard an expression from a parishioner.  He told me that his dad explained parenting with the expression:  "You have to let out the string."  Just like flying a kite, to let your children soar, you have to let out the string.  The immediate tightening in my gut at the thought means that he is on to something.


Having a child with some important medical needs means that there are certain things for which her mom and I will always be on the lookout.  There are certain meds needed at certain times, which means that our family schedule is based around doses.


This same kid likes to climb, grab, throw, kick, scream, snuggle, dance, fuss and otherwise get into everything she can.  Her mom and I have different levels of comfort with how far out to let the string.  So  trying to balance the care we give with letting out the string so that our daughter can grow into who she is becoming is a spiritual discipline.  Negotiating our various anxieties as parents so that we can provide a loving but united front is a spiritual discipline.  Getting enough rest to be worthwhile parents, functioning adults, and reasonable people is a spiritual discipline.  Not taking it personally when my darling daughter develops an allergy to dad and must cling to mom, or when she is allergic to mom and must cling to dad, is a spiritual discipline.


There are many spiritual disciplines in the history and life of the church: fasting, prayer, service, silence, retreats, sabbath-keeping, alms-giving, sacraments, worship, lectio divina.  Sometimes these seem like a luxury when my daughter takes so much time.  But then I realize that my daughter, my family, constantly rebalancing my life between family and ministry, and learning how to let out the string, is worthy of being my main spiritual discipline for now.


I also know that I need some of these other spiritual disciplines to help me in the task.  God knows I can't do this alone.

Great Find: Getting Rid of Your Crappy Pastor

I found a Facebook post that went to a blog, that quoted another blog, that I am now quoting on my blog, and I will then post that I have done so on Facebook.  But that's not important right now.  What is important is getting rid of your crappy pastor!

Here is a 6 step method that will work to get rid of pretty much any crappy pastor you may have:

http://revdavidh.blogspot.com/2012/03/get-rid-of-your-crappy-pastor.html

Anticipatory Grief

I have spoken with a number of people regarding my daughter's upcoming surgery.  On the one hand, it is a fairly complicated surgery, with some serious medical technology being used.  On the other, the surgeon is one who has done this surgery many times before.  He is not simply reading the book and watching the procedure on YouTube.  He knows what he is doing.  There is great comfort in this!

But there is still this feeling of what I have come to label "Anticipatory Grief."  For those who need a refresher course on the works of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, grief often includes several stages.  There are five that she identified, and these stages can come and go in different order or in varying degrees, depending on the person and the day (or hour, or minute...).

The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

This can't be happening... (denial)

Okay God, why are you doing this!?!?!?... (anger)

Look, if I can just be a better person, this won't happen, right?.... (bargaining)

I don't know why I never seem to get anything done...(depression)

Okay, we've done all we can, this is going to happen and we will get through this... (acceptance)

The statements or questions may be different, but I have been experiencing all of these.  Sometimes one at a time.  Sometimes several gang up together.  Occasionally, they are on a five minute cycle.

As I expressed to my colleague in ministry, "You know you are in the midst of bargaining and anger when you say, 'Okay God, that's it!  You take care of her or I quit!'"  For those who are theologically squeamish, let me point out that I know that God is big; God can take it.  God is no more threatened by my ranting than I am threatened by Lil Bit's crying.  (Although that is a post for another time about the breaking of the heart of God.)

For me, this cycle feels like grasping at control in the midst of the uncontrollable.  We have done our homework.  We have found a really good surgeon working out of a really good hospital that has a low incident of infection.  We have prepped our support networks in our families, in the church, among our friends. 

We have worked hard at treating Lil Bit like she is "normal," whatever that means.  Mostly it has meant letting her set the limits on her activity, saying "no" and backing it up when she tries to go past the limits of safety, and dealing with the usual issues of diapers, bath and naptime.

Having done all we can, I am faced with the limits of all that I can do.  I cannot guarantee her safety.  I cannot wish her surgery to magically be perfect or unnecessary.  I cannot add to the knowledge or skill of the doctors, nurses or attendants.

Part of the acceptance stage, with which I still wrestle, is realizing that this would all be true even if there were not surgery involved.  I could not guarantee her safety.  I cannot magically make it all better.  I cannot control the world and conform it to my vision of the ideal place for her to live and grow.

Having done all we can, we wait and we trust.  This gets a little harder as the date for surgery gets closer.  But it also means we get lots of practice.  And we pray a lot.  And we get teary eyed on occasion.  And we laugh a little too hard at inappropriate humor, just because we need the laughter.

I am reminded of two statements on grief.  They are perhaps opposites, perhaps mutually exclusive.  But they are also, paradoxically, both true.

The amount of grief we feel is directly proportional to the amount of unfinished business we have: what has not been said or heard; unfulfilled expectations, lost opportunities.

The amount of grief we feel is a sign of the amount of love we have for someone.

Yup.  That about covers it.

Trusting

Some of you read the blog that I (only very occasionally) write on with the Mrs., called My IVF (Irreverent View of Fertility).  If so, then you have probably already read here that we have encountered some new situations in our lives, particularly in the health of our daughter.

Long story short, on several tests, they (being the doctors) have had trouble tracking her pulmonary arteries.  The reason for this has apparently come to light in the latest CT scan.  She doesn't have a left pulmonary artery.  Turns out, it is hard to find if it is not there.  It also turns out to be a very rare condition, and even rarer for it to be the left pulmonary artery.  We have follow up visits with really good pediatric cardiologists scheduled, and they are checking with multiple colleagues.  And Lil Bit is asymptomatic, and thriving quite nicely.

Thus the "roller coaster" that the Mrs. refers to in her post.

For me, the whole adventure of having our daughter, from the craziness of dealing with infertility, to the amazing joy at her birth, from the feelings of total inadequacy in knowing how to take care of a kid to the moments of sheer grace while holding her, all of it has been an exercise in trust.

While I am having some difficulty finding the right words, I think the closest I can come is to say I am trusting that God will give us what we need to handle what we need to handle.  Sometimes that is in inner courage during difficult moments.  Sometimes it is the love of an amazing church community.  It has shown up in the form of a Facebook community that offers stories of courage and grace, of hope and support.  It comes in the form of the love of our families.

Having started this journey as an exercise in trust, now it is becoming an exercise in remembrance.  My job now is to remember that this trust is well placed and, as our choir sings near the end of every choir season:

He never failed me yet!

Thank you to each one of you amazing reminders of the love of God.

Time to Join the 21st Century

Having started a blog, and then promptly ignored it more often than not, I am now borrowing the idea of Randy Hammer, pastor of the United Church, Chapel-on-the-Hill (my home church) and blogging selected sermons here on the Interwebs.

My sermon blog is called Phil's Pulpit, and it can be found at http://uccpulpit.blogspot.com/

Y'all come!